


Toil and Trouble

by 1917farmgirl



Category: Andromeda (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, team fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 02:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6497461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1917farmgirl/pseuds/1917farmgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <img/>
  </p>
  <p>Harper learns why you should never go exploring on your own.</p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

“Oh crap!”

The words left Harper’s mouth before he could stop them, which really wasn’t such a good thing. And “witch” being the key problem.

Yes, that’s right. _Witch_.  As in the long black dress, pointy hat, greasy hair, wart-on-the-end-of-the-nose kind. 

He’d had a bad feeling about this mission ever since Dylan and Beka had dragged him down to this blackened lump of a planet and told him to search for survivors, and now he knew why. His guts had been screaming at him to just _stay out_ from the moment he’d seen the entrance to the cave, but had he listened?  Nooooo, of course not!  He, Harper-the-not-so-genius-right-now, just had to know what was behind black, gaping hole in the rock number one, and of course he hadn’t bothered to wait for the others or tell them where he was going.  No, that would be the _smart_ thing to do, and at the moment, Harper was feeling anything but smart. 

And, if he’d just managed to keep his big mouth shut, he might have been able to back out of said cave before said witch lady saw him.

Of course, he hadn’t been expecting to see a woman in a long back dress and pointy hat stirring a big, black cauldron over the fire either, so maybe the slip was excusable.

Who was he kidding? He was in a room with an honest to goodness witch, who was looking at him like he was chocolate cake, and he was worried about what he had or hadn’t said?  Oh, he was so dead…

“Um, look, um…ma’am,” Harper said shakily, holding up his hands and backing slowly toward the cave entrance, “I’m really, really sorry to have bothered you. You don’t _know_ how sorry I am that I’ve bothered you.  And now, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll just be on my merry little way!  You know, things to do, places to go, people to see…”  

He moved to turn and run like the devil but found his feet were frozen to the floor. Actually, make that everything frozen, except his head. 

“Oh, don’t go, dearie!” the woman croaked in a syrupy voice that sent shivers up the engineer’s spine. “It’s been so long since I’ve had visitors!  You really must stay for a bit.”  She circled him, looking him up and down, running a long, black fingernail through his hair and across his cheeks.

Harper gulped.

“Look, Ms. Witch-lady,” Harper started talking fast. He had a habit of doing that when panicking.  “You really should let me go because, well, my friends are out there and they are gonna wonder what’s happened to me and they won’t like it if you eat me or turn me into a piece of furniture or something, and besides I’m really stringy and tough and I wouldn’t taste good and I’m sure I’d give you indigestion and you really don’t want that, do you…”  Her fingernail slid down under his chin and across his throat just as some manure-green bubbles jumped from her boiling pot and Harper trailed off, his face paling.

“Hush, boy,” she whispered in his ear. “Who said I was gonna eat you?” she asked with an evil grin, even as she continued to pat his cheeks and pinch his arms, testing their fatness.

Harper seriously considered crying.

“Too scrawny and thin,” she finally said to herself. “Wouldn’t be more than a bite.  Shame, though.  If I had time, I’d keep you and fatten you up, but that’s too much of a bother.  So what _am_ I going to do with you…?”

“Um, let me go?” Harper asked hopefully, putting on his best behavior face.

“Why the rush to leave, little one? Don’t you enjoy my company?”

“Oh, um…yes!” Harper frantically gushed, still wishing he could just move. “Lovely place you’ve got here!  Nice and um…retro, in an evil, witchy kind of way!”

“You’re lying,” the witch purred, tracing her fingernails down his neck. “I can see it in your scared little eyes.  I don’t like liars.”

Harper gulped again and clamped his mouth shut. All it seemed to be doing was getting him deeper in trouble anyway.

“You come into my home without permission, and now you have lied to me?” she continued, circling him again. “Not only is that wrong, it’s also bad manners.  Tsk, tsk, I shall have to teach you better.”

Now, Harper liked learning. He crammed all sorts of useful - and not so useful - information into his brain at every opportunity.  However, he was quite sure this was something he did NOT want to learn, especially from the hag in front of him.

“Are you sure we can’t just re-examine the ‘letting him go’ option?”

“I’m afraid not, dearie,” she smiled, showing off her teeth, all four of them.

“Um…why?” Maybe he was being petulant and annoying, but it was his last moments, he figured he was allowed.

“Why, because I say so, of course!”

“Oh…” This was _so_ not his day.

“Now, we’ve got that out of the way, we’re back to the original question. What _shall_ I do with you?”  She walked back to stir her caldron, still speaking to herself.  Harper, of course, stayed where he was.  “I could freeze him, but the cold storage’s quite full.  And I really don’t need any more potted plants…”  Harper suddenly noticed the pitiful, droopy potted plants that decorated the room.  He tried to imagine life as a potted plant.  He felt rather sick.  “Annabel probably wouldn’t mind a new mouse to play with, but then, she always leaves the heads on the bedroom rug…”

She glanced back at him and Harper squeaked.

“Hmmm, I actually can’t think of anything to do with you at the moment. You just don’t inspire me, what can I say!”  She shrugged.  “I do wish you were just a tad bit plumper; I do so enjoy roast human when it’s so young and tender, but oh well.  Not much we can do.  I suppose I shall just have to let you go.”

Harper’s brain derailed somewhere back around “roast human” and it took him a few minutes to arrive at and process the last line.

“L….let me go?” he stammered, hardly daring to hope.

She waved her arms dismissively, releasing the spell that held him to the cavern floor. “Yes, yes, child.  Let you go.”

Harper stared in shock, mouth gaping open.

“Well, get going, then! Shoo!”

The engineer’s brain finally kicked into gear and sent the signal to his feet to get lost. He turned and ran for his life, boots pounding the rock so hard he never heard the words whispered after him or the soft cackles of laughter.

*****

“Beka, I ask you once again, what makes you think Harper came down this tunnel?”

“Dylan, does this tunnel look safe?” Beka shot back.

“Well, no…” Dylan replied, confused by the change of subject.

“And does this tunnel look like the place any sane person would want to spend time?”

“No…”

“Then I rest my case. He’s here.  Somewhere.”

The light from their flashlights rounded the corner and lit up the pile of clothes moments before the two people saw it. Beka stopped dead in her tracks, mouth gapping in horror.

“Oh no…” she hissed, her eyes threatening to fill with tears as she knelt next to her best friend’s empty clothes.

“Are those Harper’s?” Dylan asked, his voice sad.

“Of course they’re _Harper’s_ , who else would they belong to?”

Beka jumped back. That was Harper’s voice!  But she could have sworn it was coming from…  No, it couldn’t have… _Why_ was there a _frog_ sitting in the middle of Harper’s empty clothes?  And what did she eat for breakfast that could make her hallucinate bad enough to think the frog was _talking?_

“Harper?” Dylan called not having seen what she ha- _hadn’t_ seen, looking around the tunnel.  “Where are you?  Why are your clothes out here?  Are you jacked in somewhere and need help?”

“Yo people! Down here, okay!” the…um…frog said.  “And yeah, I could really use some help about now. 

Dylan blinked. He looked down at the small, green frog sitting in the middle of his engineer’s clothes.  He blinked again.  They didn’t cover this in the High Guard Handbook.  He made a mental note to suggest an updated version once they got done with this mission.

Meanwhile, Beka crouched down closer to her currently green friend. “So, um, Harper, that really you?  Or should I call you Hopper now?”

“Ha, ha, very funny, Beka,” Harper the frog answered, the nasal voice unmistakable. “And of course it’s me!  Now could we move onto the fixing this part!”  He gave a small hop to emphasis his point.

“Um…Harper, you’re a frog,” Dylan said slowly.

“Wow! Fifty points to the big dude for that astounding observation! No joke I’m a frog!”

“You know Harper, this definitely beats that public lewdness charge, hands down,” Beka couldn’t resist.

“URGH! Beka!  I’m two inches tall, slimy and green!  Not to mention the witch that could be coming after us down this tunnel at any moment, and she’s no _Glenda_ if you catch my drift!  So, could we save the wisecracks for later and just FIX THIS!”

“Witch?” Dylan asked.

“Glenda?” Beka asked.

The frog sighed. “Never mind.”

“A _witch_ did this to you?” Dylan asked again.

“Yes.”

“Pointy hat, broomstick?”

“Yes, _Captain Hunt._ ”

“Oh dear.”

“Well, maybe Trance can fix it. You get his clothes,” she ordered Dylan, then turned back to Harper.  “Come on Harper,” she said, scooping the frog up and putting him gently in the back pocket of her pack.  “Comfy?”

“Beka, I’m in your poncho-pocket. Can we just get this over with?” came the muffled voice.

“Yeah,” Beka replied. “What a day…”

“You know, I just wish we’d brought one thing with us…” Dylan said thoughtfully.

“What?” Beka raised an eyebrow. “Soapy water?”

“No, a camera."

“I heard that big guy!” Harper’s muffled shouts still managed to sound indignant.

“Well, I bet Rommie will take pictures, so don’t worry,” Beka smiled conspiratorially.

The backpack sighed.

They started walking, Beka carrying Harper the frog, and Dylan carrying Harper the person’s clothes.

“You know,” Harper’s voice floated out, “I think I’m getting a little seasick back here…”

“Harper, if you puke in my pack, so help me I’ll…”

“Then walk more like a person and less like a pack-horse!”

“Why you little rat! Fine, if you want to be that way, you can HOP all the way back to the _Maru_!”  Beka started to take off the pack, but Dylan’s hand on her arm stopped her.

“Beka.”

“But he deserves it!”

“Beka, he’s a frog. Cut him a little slack.”

“Oh fine,” Beka pouted. “But I swear he has it coming.”

“Besides,” Dylan added with a sly grin. “Think what Tyr’s gonna say when he sees this.”

Beka laughed.

Beka’s backpack groaned. This was _so_ the last time Harper helped Dylan and Beka with a mission.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

“You take Harper to med-deck,” Dylan told Beka as they excited the _Maru_ , “And I’ll go check in on Tyr on Command. I’ll meet you there in a bit and see how things are going.”

“See how things are going?” Harper’s voice wailed from Beka’s backpack. “I’m two inches tall and green! You’d think that would constitute an emergency worthy of your presence and at least ten minutes of your time!”

“Oh Harper, just shut up!” Beka growled, extremely tired of listening to him gripe. “Another complaint out of you and I’ll tell Rommie to cook ‘les cuisses de grenouilles’ for dinner!”

“Le curses de what?”

“Frog legs, Harper.”

The backpack gulped.

“Beka!” Trance squealed happily as Beka entered med-deck. The purple girl set down the watering can she was using to give Charlie the Cactus a drink and gave an excited little jump, waving her tail. “I’m so excited you’re back! It’s been so quiet around here without you and Harper and I was getting so bored. I tried to get Tyr to play games with me, but he just growled and was all moody and stuff. He’s really no fun at all...” She trailed off and her face fell. “Where’s Harper? He said he’d come meet Charlie when he got back.”

“Trance,” Beka said gently, putting an arm around the girl and steering her toward one of the examining beds, “there’s been a little accident. Down on the planet. You see Harper, he sorta –”

“Oh no!” Trance’s eyes filled up with tears. “Something happened didn’t it? I knew Harper shouldn’t have gone! I told him that, but he wouldn’t listen to me! Is he okay? Where is he? What happened?”

“Trance, calm down; he’s right here. We just need to…um…fix him a bit.”

Trance looked around, trying to find the Harper Beka was talking about that she couldn’t see.

“Is he invisible?”

“Not quite,” Beka muttered, setting her pack on the bed and reaching inside. Her hand came back out and in it was a small, green frog.

“Oh, Beka! He’s so cute!” Trance gushed, forgetting about Harper for a moment. “Did you get him for me? I’ve always wanted a pet! Oh, can I touch him? Please?”

“UGH! Stop!” the frog said. 

Trance blinked. “A talking frog? How did you make him sound like Harper?”

“Easily, seeing as this _is_ Harper,” Beka replied wearily.

“Hey, can we stop talking about the frog like the frog isn’t here?” Harper whined.

Trance blinked again and then her face changed to a look of intense concern. She crouched right down level with the green lump on her med-bed. “Oh, Harper! Are you okay? Does it hurt?” the purple girl asked, her eyes wide.

“No, I’m not okay! I’m a freakin’ frog! Now can we skip the twenty questions and _do_ something about it!” Harper was getting really, really, _really_ tired of this.

She stood up and turned to Beka. “He’s kinda grumpy, isn’t he?” she scowled. 

“He’s been like that all day,” Beka agreed.

“You know, it’s not very nice to say rude things to the people who are trying to help you, Harper. I was only trying to be nice and you owe me an apology. I don’t think I’ll do anything for you until you say you’re sorry.” She crossed her arms in a purple pout.

“Trance!” Harper wailed. “Come on! Please?”

The shook her head, butterflies bouncing in her multi-colored curls. “Nope.”

The frog hopped a little on the bed, eyes closed in resignation. “Okay, fine,” he finally mumbled. It’s not like his day could get any _more_ humiliating. “I’m really, really sorry I was mean to you and yelled at you.”

Trance brightened immediately. “You are? Oh Harper, that’s so sweet of you!” She patted the frog affectionately on his slimy head.

“Okay, so now can we go on with the fixing the Harper part?” Harper pleaded. He was starting to get hungry and he didn’t want to think about having lunch as a frog…

“Of course,” Trance smiled. She placed Charlie the Cactus on the bed next to Harper, ‘to keep him company,’ and went off to the consol to search for ideas and get Andromeda’s help. Beka followed to watch over her shoulder and make less-than-useful suggestions.

“Hey there,” Harper mumbled to Charlie after a moment. He felt very small and very helpless and very green as he sat on the med-bed that was sky-scraper high for him now. “What you in for?”

Charlie didn’t answer.

“Not big on conversation are ya.”

Charlie didn’t move a spine.

Harper sighed.

“Well, now, it looks like the fairy tale Dylan spun for me on Command is true,” a deep voice purred from the doorway. Harper hopped around to see Tyr leaning casually, his arms crossed. “Boy, what trouble have you caused this time?”

“Oh just boil me now…” Harper pleaded.

“Don’t tempt me, child.”

Tyr stepped up to the med-bed. Harper hopped back as far as he could. It was terrifying how big the Nietzschean was like this! It gave the phrase ‘mountain of a man’ a whole new meaning. He tried to hold onto his tattered pride.

“Look, Tyr,” he squeaked, “it’s been a really bad day and I honestly don’t need to deal with any crap from you, too. Besides, I shudder to think what _you_ would have ended up as if _you’d_ run into a witch.”

“I would have stayed how I am and the _witch_ would have ended up dead.”

“True,” Harper conceded. “Good point.”

Tyr put one hand on either side of Harper’s little, green body and leaned down toward him. He grinned ferally. Harper gulped.

“I could squash you with one hand, little frog, and no one would ever know…”

“Tyr, we are not cleaning up frog guts from the med-beds so just leave Harper alone,” Beka called back over her shoulder.

Somehow, Harper still didn’t feel very safe.

(Three hours later)

“There has to be something else we can try!” Trance cried, shoving the flexi’s away in frustration.

“What about x-rays?” Dylan suggested.

“Nope tried that,” Rommie replied. “Along with radiation, temperature spikes, electro-shock therapy, and acupuncture,” she ticked off on her fingers.

Dylan looked at Hopper… _Harper_ and thought he looked a little sick and loopy, for a frog.

“We’ve also tried,” Rommie continued, “antibiotics, nanobots, herbal remedies, chemical bathes, milk bathes, bubble bathes, fish paste, toothpaste, Tibetian prayer rituals, Wayist songs, incantations…” She trailed off and shrugged hopelessly.

“Harper, how do you feel about amphibians?” Rev asked carefully.

Harper the frog let out what sounded like a small sob. He was too worn out to do anything else.

“We can’t give up!” Trance cried. “There has to be something else we can do!” 

“We could eat him,” Tyr suggested from the wall where he stood back from the little group, observing them with something akin to amusement.

They ignored him.

“We’re gonna have to go back to the source,” Beka declared suddenly. “She did this to him, she can undo it. We’ll just have to find her and make her fix it.”

Harper was horrified! _Go back?_ He never wanted to see her, her cave, her bubbling pot, or her warts again!

“No!” he croaked. “I don’t wanna go back there! I’d rather be green and slimy for the rest of my life than spend it as a potted plant!”

The rest of the crew weren’t quite sure what Harper was talking about, but decided he must be high on cactus fumes and it would be best to overlook it.

“I don’t see that we have a lot of choice, Harper,” Dylan said. “Nothing we’ve tried has worked and I can’t really have a frog as an engineer.” He turned to Beka, “Have the _Maru_ prepped and ready at 07:00 in the morning. Tyr, Beka, Rommie, you’re all with me. Maybe you’d better come too, Rev. We’re gonna go down in force this time and…”

Trance stopped listening after a second as Dylan kept spouting orders because a thought had suddenly come to her. “Um guys?” she said quietly but no one paid her any attention. “I have an idea…” Still, they didn’t hear. She gave up trying to get their attention. As the others argued and worked out the details of their little plan, Trance moved next to Harper, forgotten by all of them.

“Well, here goes nothing,” she whispered. She scrunched up her eyes tightly, puckered her lips, and leaned in closer.

“Um, Trance, what are you – mphf?”

The frog’s question was swallowed up as Trance kissed him right on his cold little slimy lips.

***POOF!***

“Ouuuch!”

“Ew, Harper!”

Trance and Harper’s squeals stopped the others’ conversation dead and they turned around to find a very human, very red-faced, very _naked_ Harper trying to hide behind the med-bed while Trance covered her eyes tightly.

“Harper, you’re back!” Beka gushed while Dylan and Rommie look shocked and Tyr hid a grin. Harper ducked so all they could see of him was his spiky hair poking over the top of the bed.

Rev calmly stepped forward and offered the hair a spare sheet. A mumbled “thanks” floated back followed by another drawn out “ouuuuch!”

“Harper!” Trance suddenly blurted, opening her eyes. “You squished Charlie!” She ran to her beloved plant and cradled the pot to her chest, glaring at him accusingly. 

“I know!” Harper wailed, standing up in his sheet-toga.

“How did you fix him?” Dylan interrupted the argument.

“Oh, that was easy,” Trance said, still distracted by her plant. “I just remembered that in all the old stories, when a person gets changed into a frog, it takes a kiss from a princess to turn them back. And since Harper sometimes calls me his Purple Princess I just figured…” she shrugged.

“Aw, Trance,” Harper gushed, still rubbing his sore behind. “You’re the best! I’d have gone green a long time ago if I knew this was the response. How ‘bout another, for the road?” he waggled his eyebrows at her and turned up his cheek.

Trance grimaced and hugged Charlie the Smashed Cactus closer. “Excuse me,” she said sweeping through them toward the door, “I gotta go brush my teeth now.” She left with her nose in the air.

“But…but…aw, Trance. Come back. I didn’t mean to!” Harper called dejectedly. “Besides, you gotta take all these cactus spikes out! Trance!”

“Glad to have you back, Shorty,” Beka said with a grin. She and Rommie left holding back giggles. It wouldn’t do to giggle in front of the guys.

“I expect you back on duty in five hours, Mr. Hopper…er, Harper,” Dylan said and left quickly as his face turned red. Rev followed and Harper thought he might have been laughing as well, but it was hard to tell with all those teeth and that fur.

“Wait guys! What about me? Where are my clothes? What about these…” He trailed off as he caught movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Hello, little man.”

Harper gulped and decided there were worse things than being a frog. And scarier things than that witch!

“WAIT UP GUYS!” he cried and rushed from the room, his sheet billowing behind him.

THE END


End file.
